April 13, 2010
 

Directions No Longer Included with Wireless Devices

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As mobile video now increases the demand for leading entertainment applications on Apple iPhones and others, it appears that companies who manufacture hand-held devices are increasingly decreasing their obligation to provide relevant information which will enhance a user's experience, if not save their life.

Rather, they now perceive that providing information once considered in the public interest might dampen demand for their products; which would create a revolt at the next shareholders meeting in Zurich, a day or so before the CEO goes skiing at Zermatt.

Therefore, the following are 10 tips you will no longer find in those little instruction leaflets published in 28 languages, which once came with your new device.

SEE ABOVE: 10. Ferocious nail biting may be necessary before using text messaging. Consumers should check the ingredients of nail polish colors for lead, especially ones used for creatively painted nail murals. To remove, soak nails in "Coca-Cola Classic" for 10 minutes before biting, chewing or chomping. Coke is an effective liquid for removing lead nail polish and is generally found in more refrigerators than either turpentine or paint stripper.

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9. While it may appear more convenient and/or hip to text your company's annual report to shareholders from memory, it's generally frowned on by other drivers in the HOV lane. If you survive the resultant road rage with few, if any, broken fingers, years from now you may be an ideal candidate to help test the effectiveness of new arthritis drugs.

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8. Do not mistake "dating" channels for your business calendar. Also, click on "No" if your Nokia prompts you to "Save" that consultant's contact information in your company directory which you and the client met with last night, even if you intend to expense it.

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7. Consider choosing a less hypnotic screen-face if you have vertigo.

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6. There are certain ceremonial rituals which demand that you actually "Power off" your phone versus putting it on "Silent."

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5. Rumors that cellphones may cause brain cancer are as believable as cosmetics ads which promise to make you look more attractive.

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4. iPod users may experience dizziness or worse, if you keep going round and round and round and round on your navigation wheel.

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3. Sign language works best in person versus using mobile devices, particularly if the device does not have a camera.

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2. If you purchase the Donna Summer "Love to Love you Baby" ring tone, be sure you switch your phone to "vibrate", especially if you're in a corporate sensitivity training class.

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1. Make sure your wireless device is "password protected" and do not share it with anyone!!!... especially if you and your Significant Other have identical phones.

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