2008 Planning: "Love Your Cookies, Hate Your Magazine!"

By Paige Turner

The annual planning of 2008 print campaigns will kick off with the scheduling of "Media Days" after the 1st of the year.

Being in meetings as one magazine after another comes in to show you how dynamic their content and readers are can sometimes feel like "media daze;" where you're trapped all day long in a stifling conference room.

Scheduling 20 or so meetings over two days; about 8-10 appointments a day might make waterboarding seem like a relaxing dip in the Beverly Hills Hotel swimming pool. Sitting patiently through pitch, after pitch, after pitch, looking alert, interested in hearing every sales idea--as if they are the greatest thing since sliced bread--and not be distracted by the amount of work piling up on your desk should win an academy award nomination.

I've learned a thing or two about how to conduct media days over the years. Here's a guide to making them as productive, informative and dynamic for everyone as possible.

8:00AM: Town & Garden

Be gracious but not too excited about the Tchotchkes.

We all know that fu-fu gifts are nice, especially when they come in tiny Tiffany-size bags, stuffed with fluffy, colored tissue paper. Sometimes you'll receive delicious, gourmet-baked cookies. Be careful. It's a trap. Do not look enamored of them no matter HOW hungry you are. Put the bag on the floor and under the table so they don't add a sense of fun and informality they were designed to create. Act as if their gift is more of an irritant than anything else. Look at your watch, yawn and say, "Okay, I don't have much time, whadayagot?"

9:00: Vanity Style

Don't be easily sold, even if you know you're giving 55% of your $80 million budget to ESPN magazine.

Having a little objectivity is the most professional thing to do. The fact that the value add includes SuperBowl tickets for the next 10 years for you, your spouse and your 4 children (and friends) is secondary. Make the rep feel they have to justify their relevance for being on the schedule. Regarding the example above, make sure you are prepared to make an iron-clad case to the client as to why ESPN should be on the schedule, especially if your product is a young female teen lipstick and skin care line. Making sure the client receives at least the same value-add is the first step for getting it approved.

10:00AM: Wired Living

Conference Room = War Room.

Nothing should stop you from obtaining the lowest CPM with the highest value add package, especially for a test buy. It's a jungle out there. Remember that there's always another media lackey like you ready and willing to jump into your seat and play the heavy just as well, if not better than you. Therefore, use everything at your disposal to accomplish your goal. This includes strewing media kits from one publication out onto the conference table that are competitive to the next media company entering the room.

11:00AM: Sports & Country

Take all the chairs out of the lobby, even the ones bolted to the floor so that print sales people waiting outside the conference room must stand for 90 minutes or more.

While it sounds sadistic, consider the health benefits that the 14 sales people attending the meeting all of whom are from the same magazine will receive when you require them to stand outside the conference room at least for 20 minutes. Make sure that they hear boisterous laughter coming from inside the conference room while they wait. They won't know the difference that it's really a laugh track pumped into the lobby from America's Funniest Home Videos. Yawn when they enter and exit the room.

12Noon: News & Leisure

Offer them water - Now you own them.

Keep referring to the fact that you gave them luke-warm tap water in a paper Dixie cup from the faucet to show your hospitality, while you drink a 48 ounce bottle of cold, perspiring Evian.

1PM: Persons Today Magazine

Keep looking at your watch. Don't forget to yawn at frequent intervals.

2PM: Woman's Circle & Homes

Answer your cell phone without saying excuse me, just as they are about to show their big idea.

Then spend at least 5 minutes on the phone with your friend to discuss where you want to have drinks that evening, their golf handicap or laugh about the person(s) either you or they just fired.

3PM: Golf American

Bring in a junior person to hear the sales pitch and excuse yourself, saying "Start without me."

Make sure the junior person does NOT work on the account that the magazine is there to pitch. Come back in about 25 minutes later and ask "What did I miss?"

4:00PM: Scientific Digest

If the magazine is hoping to get renewed for 2008, make cynical remarks about the intelligence your predecessor had for adding the magazine to the plan in the first place.

Also, insinuate that the client was has questionable judgment for greenlighting it, ideally as long as they are not within earshot.

5:00PM: Real Illustrated

Delay the publishers from going into their sales pitch by focusing on small nonsensical chit chat for no less than 70% of the meeting.

Cover topics like their golf game, their last vacation, their golf game, the town they live in, their golf game, their family life, their golf game, their country club golf course and their spouse's golf game. Then, ask penetrating questions and inquire about their philosophy on how the business has changed or hasn't changed. Also, mention that you played golf recently with their competitor. Once you've covered all these important topics, look at your watch and tell them you have a hard-stop in 10 minutes.

6:00PM: Travel & Simple

Regardless of how great the magazine is, make them believe that the value add they gave you is more valuable than their pub.

Drop semi-humorous phrases like "Love the cookies, hate your magazine" whether they brought cookies in the Tiffany bags or not. In order to insure maximum ROI, say this remark as you're looking down at the piece of paper in front of you, which is covered with 8 hours worth of doodles. Yawn and then perk up when you look at your watch, making it clear that you want to wrap it up quickly and get the h*ll out of the room.

Day two: Repeat.