For Your i's Only: Stop Jobs, iGod
(Preliminary) Confidential Memorandum
FROM: The HAL Group (a secret division of News Corp.)
TO: All Employees
RE: The Next National Security Issue Target
DATE: WSJ Article Publishing Date: Soon
This provides a special, personal plan Mr. Murdoch has developed to combat the reckless endangerment US citizens are unwittingly exposing themselves to, based on an estimated increase Steve Jobs' influence has on the American public which he believes is his responsibility to do something about.
This memo is something he would like all employees to read and then tell their friends, relatives and neighbors about. It addresses the consequences that Apple Computer is about to exact on the American public. It suggests we all take heed and help Mr. Murdoch in his patriotic cause. It involves the introduction and anticipated wide-spread usage of the iPhone launch.
As you know, Mr. Murdoch was born an Australian and then later converted to Americanism. Looking at this in a counter-intuitive way, he believes that his background lends itself to understanding our national security interests better than most Americans, since his policies are based on keeping his national interests secure.
Consumers of all ages, particularly those who are at the most vulnerable points in their lives are gearing up to endanger themselves by purchasing (and therefore aiding and abetting) Apple Computers' hold on the next generation of communication.
With continuing growth of the iMac and iPod, combined with the iPhone, The HAL Group believes Steve Jobs now poses a threat that can no longer be ignored.
HAL resources indicate Apple has additional products in the research pipeline that will only exacerbate this problem. The following lists those new products and the institutions and companies which are clearly in jeopardy:
- iSnacks (Frito-Lay, high blood pressure medicines)
- iGlasses (Foster Grant)
- iAfterShave (Old Spice)
- iBet (Vegas)
- iJoe (Mattel...G.I. Joe etc)
- iClean (Jersey)
- iHomes (Levittown)
- iBar (TGI Fridays)
- iStore (Seven Elevens)
- iSmoke (Lucky Strikes, Camels)
The HAL Group sees a clear connection to the symbol "Apple" and the temptation Eve (supposedly innocently) insidiously approached Adam with. We all know the story of how this triggered a chain effect which has wreaked havoc on the world ever since and thankfully has been covered objectively by News Corp media. However, today, the Apple is back in a bigger way than ever before. We are doing our part to publish a thorough and objective analysis of this sinister problem will soon be published by the New York Post.
HAL has recently conducted a mall test based attitude and usage study to measure "intent to buy" the new iPhones during the 2007 period. It is dangerously high.
Research indicates that due to this increase, this summer the use of iPhones will cannibalize in-home media usage (TV's, radios, desktop computers, margarita blenders) by as much as 25% or more. Consequently we anticipate significant decreases in earnings due to sales revenue fall-off. In addition, if left unabated, HAL anticipates this trend will continue into September and beyond, as loyalty to iPhones usage may become a more attractive alternative to traditional media vehicle consumption.
Mr. Ailes will be leading TV new anchors, actors, celebrities, mail room personnel with objective opposition-research tested themes that will expose Jobs and his iPhone for the danger to American values.
TV News Anchor Talking Points Strategy
Fox News, Fox Network, 21st Century Fox... every company with the name Fox in it will be spreading the news of the iPhone danger throughout on all its news vehicles.
As you are aware, HAL's parent group now consolidation 90% of all the media news, entertainment and employs and/or contracts with 90% of all TV journalists, talk show hosts, movie stars, rock/hip hop artists and reality TV celebrities. Therefore, while we face an uphill battle, we are prepared to fight this enemy on a mall by mall basis, if need be.
They are as follows:
Freedom of the Press
We have the freedom d*mn it, so by golly we are going to use it
Stay Indoors/Global Warming
Call attention to the harmful effects of sun exposure and how it increases the risk of skin cancer versus being safe indoors. By staying indoors this will decrease the amount of cancerous sun rays and radiation Americans will be exposed to and thereby reduce store traffic in Best Buy or Radio Shack.
Faulty Construction/The Sledgehammer Test
Consumers will be informed of the potential skin dangers that come about in the form of battery acid leakage from iPhone technology flaws when using a sledgehammer to text message.
Destruction of the family/Health
iPhone users insert earphone plugs in their ears, which blocks out any healthy conversation families could use more of. Just imagine the increase in loneliness and isolation that iPhone usage will cause. There will be a measurable decrease in quality-time, family discussion at the dinner table, to say nothing of the increase of blindness from staring at the small screen and an increase in being hard of hearing. For example, "what did you say? I'm on the iPhone."
We ask each and every one of you to help us in this holy cause so we can purchase enough Apple stock to create a proxy fight and rid the world of Steve Jobs, this evil anti-American despot. You are your own brand. Your POV counts. And if you would like to keep your job you d*mn well listen up and follow these "suggestions." Or, just think, you'll end up like the editorial and sales staff at the Wall Street Journal.
Thank you. We always look forward to your employee input and hope you have an enjoyable Royal Queensland Show Day if you happen to be in Brisbane over the August holiday!