April 13, 2010

Rupert Murdoch's Knightmare


It's that time of the week when a little humor goes a long way. On the heels of the recent smash hit film, The Queen" and her interest in newspapers as evidenced by the photos below, it gave us inspiration of an imaginary conversation we imagined newspaper mogul Mr. Rupert Murdoch was having about an equally passionate lover of newspapers,, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth. Picture Murdoch on the couch with Dr. Phil giving air to his grievances and concerns.

Dr. Phil: Mr. Murdoch, I was surprised to hear from you. Do come in. What can I do for you?

Rupert: Do you know why I'm here?

Dr. Phil: Why don't you tell me?

Rupert: You promised me you wouldn't say anything to Oprah, right?

Dr. Phil: That's right.

Rupert: Nothing at all?

Dr. Phil: Only in the most general terms. No names were mentioned.

Rupert: What exactly did you say to her?


Dr. Phil: I just said that I received call from a media mogul who wished to remain anonymous. Someone who was originally born in Australia and made a fortune bullying his way into the British newspaper business. A person who then applied for American Citizenship so he could buy a legendary Hollywood studio and turn it into a major TV network. A very successful business man who's now buying up every major media property in traditional and interactive today, even smarter and faster than Google.

Rupert: That's all?

Dr. Phil: Yes. You can count on my being discreet. Come, lay down on the couch and tell me what's on your mind.

Rupert: Good.

Dr. Phil: What seems to be the trouble?

Rupert: Do you know why I'm here?

Dr. Phil: Well, I can only guess. I assume you're here to talk about the Bancroft family. You feel guilty about all the fights they're now having because of you. Maybe you'd like my advice about how to conduct an intervention. Every family has problems. Just look at yours. Am I right?

Rupert: Not even close. I had a dream last night, a nightmare about my interest in buying the Wall Street Journal. It now seems it may be a bad idea.


Dr. Phil: What made you come to that conclusion?

Rupert: Like everything else I've always wanted, I was able to acquire it. But once I did, as part of the deal, I had to marry Queen Elizabeth.


Dr. Phil: Hmmm... tell me more

Rupert: In the dream I realized that the Wall Street Journal comes with some serious baggage; a lot more than I thought it would. In my dream, just as the court awarded us ownership - once we proved that the Bancroft's were actually communist infiltrators masquerading as capitalists - Queen Elizabeth walked into the court room and locked her arms in mine!


Dr. Phil: (blank)

Rupert: I was stunned by this and tried to push her away, but she grabbed on to my arm and wouldn't let go. She was dressed in her formal HRH cloak and gown and her jewels started digging into my elbow. The expression on her face was just like the one she has in last month's Annie Leibovitz Vanity Fair portrait. Did you see it?


Dr. Phil: Ahh, no. I don't really read it unless I'm in...er; I mean, unless I know someone who's in it.

Rupert: When I woke up, I grabbed my copy to look in it, to see that expression again, but mysteriously, someone had pulled those pages out. They were all over my marble bedroom floor torn into little pieces. It really gave me the spooks.

Dr. Phil: What do you think the connection is between Queen Elizabeth and the Wall Street Journal?


Rupert: That's what I was hoping you might know.

Dr. Phil: Me? It's your dream. It's important what you think, not me.

Rupert: I was afraid you would say that. I'm really scared. If you can't help me, I don't know who else to call!


Dr. Phil: Now calm down. Together we can look at this dream objectively and find the symbolism between WSJ and HRH.

Rupert: Good.

Dr. Phil: Okay, how do you feel about Queen Elizabeth?

Rupert: I hate her. She hates me.

Dr. Phil: What? Why?

Rupert: She knights that midget Sorrel and then Elton John and his dumb haircuts. But oh no, not the bloody Aussie who's worked 10 times harder than them combined. Just because I bought her precious Times and virtually every other major English newspaper this side of India. She blames me every time when one of my newspapers covers her family doing something stupid. Can you imagine? "It's not Charles' fault. It's Rupert's"!

Dr. Phil: There's a lot of hostility between you two.

Rupert: Have you seen "The Queen"?

Dr. Phil: No, I'm not in... er, I mean, no one I know was in it.

Rupert: You should get out more, Mate. Do you know what it's about? It's about Queen Elizabeth and all the mistakes she made after Princess Diana's death. It's about what a rotten person she is.

Dr. Phil: Right, I knew Princess Di, but she actually wasn't "in" the movie.


Rupert: (Lifting his head off the couch and looking at Dr. Phil directly). What is it with you? You can't pick up a magazine or go to a movie if it's not about you?

Dr. Phil: That's not the point. We're here to talk about you.

Rupert: (silence)

Dr. Phil: Okay, let's get back to your dream. You have intensely negative feelings about the Queen and you see a frightening connection between her and acquiring the Wall Street Journal

Rupert: It seems she comes along with it. I have to take possession as one of the terms of the deal that was hidden in the fine print.

Dr. Phil: Go on.

Rupert: Well, there I am in the courtroom, trying to wrestle my way out of her clutches and all of a sudden her bloody Buckingham Palace guards run in and trap me over by the court stenographer's desk.

Dr. Phil: This is complicated.


Rupert: I'm surrounded. They have those spears up against my neck. I'm trapped. They then push me down on to my knees. The Queen comes over to me, puts her hand out then demands that I start kissing her hand again and again and again. I do this and it has a strange effect on me. I suddenly find myself under her spell. She then lifts me up off my knees and plants a big sloppy kiss on me. It sends chills through my spine. Her jewelry shakes like bells in the London Tower.

Dr. Phil: Where they use to torture people?

Rupert: Yes!! What does it mean?

Dr. Phil: We'll get to that. Then, what happened next?

Rupert: She whips out a golden crown out of er pocketbook. It's got jewels all over it and has the words "Dow Jones" on it, spelled out in diamonds.

Dr. Phil: Okay. I think we're on to something.

Rupert: Then she embraces me and for a second she turns into a beauty and looks like a real princess. She looks like that girl who gets out of the bathtub in the movie, The Shining, who kisses Jack Nicholson and then turns into a dead body. You know the scene, right?


Dr. Phil: Well, no, I actually never saw it.

Rupert: Gimme a break... The thing is, we kiss and kiss and then right in my very arms - just like in the Shining - she changes from a beautiful princess and turns back into the Queen, with the same scowl she has in the movie.

Dr. Phil: And that disgusts you.


Rupert: No, I find I like it and I keep kissing her more and more. We start slobbering at it, right then and there like an R-rated movie. Tongues flapping and everything, right in front of the guards, my family, the attorneys and the Bancroft's walking away in handcuffs. It's crazy!

Dr. Phil: Then what?

Rupert: Then she takes the crown and puts it on my head. So now I'm wearing this crown that says Dow Jones. I yell and beat my chest like I'm Tarzan and then like Spiderman, I jump right up on to the Judge's desk and grab one of the spears from one of the guards!

Dr. Phil: Spiderman? I never saw the movie but I did used to read the comic books. I heard Toby McGuire's great. I hope to meet him soon!


Rupert: (Stares dumbfounded at Dr. Phil)

Dr. Phil: Forget the comic books. You have a spear in your hand, what do you think the spear signifies?

Rupert: Listen Mate, even I can figure that one out.

Dr. Phil: Right.

Rupert: What I don't understand is the Queen thing? It's like I go from hating her to allowing myself to be seduced by her.

Dr. Phil: The connection is obvious. You see winning the Journal as the thing that's going to make you King of the media business. It's your crown jewel. It's something you've always lusted for but now that you have it, it's not what you expected. You wanted more.

Rupert: Like Queen Elizabeth's love?

Dr. Phil: Yes, like Queen Elizabeth's love!

Rupert: What do I do?

Dr. Phil: There's nothing you have to do. It's only a dream. You don't really need her love. You don't really want to be with that cranky old booze-hound... Though as I think about it, you two do have a lot in common with each other. There are some similarities. For example, you both have children who have great resentments. Her's with her. Your's with you.


Rupert: Don't change the subject. You don't understand. I've fallen in love with her!

Dr. Phil: What? But...

Rupert: When I buy the Journal, I realize it's not all it was cracked up to be. Kind of like the Peggy Lee song, "Is that all there is?

Dr. Phil: Right, that's just what I said!

Rupert: I realize that the only thing that's going to make me truly happy is to marry the Queen of England.


Dr. Phil: Of course! So you can finally be a real King!

Rupert: No you fool. It's like in the film Pirates of the Caribbean with Johnny Depp! I have to marry Queenie so I can...

(To be continued)

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