April 13, 2010

NYer Giants Changes Its Cuddly Team Name to Attract Techies


EAST RUTHERFORD, Jan 8 - In a surprise announcement to the media and fans alike, the NYer Giants' team ownership informed a jam-packed room of reporters yesterday that they plan to change its team name instead of sacking its coach as was expected. A surprising twist of events; according to Jack Marra, owner of the NYer Giants he and his partners have decided that the coach will stay but that the name will be (as he called it) "tweaked" from "The NYer Giants," to "The NYer Giga-Antics," (pronounced GI-GAAN-tics.)

Combination of Mediocre Season Results + Warm & Friendly Image + 21st Century Technology Requires New Name

When questioned why he believes this change is necessary, Marra said, "The word "Giants" is no longer scary, it no longer evokes a fearsome image. Mall testing shows that with a little "tweaking" we can help the brand return back to its "preferred takeaway." You know, to its original imagery. After all "Giga" or "Gigs" means strength in computer talk. It's cool and tests well among heavy duty "next gen" fans. My people tell me that "computer geeks" is a politically correct reference. Even the NYer-Jets team has a more modern name, you know, like jets and all that," said Marra. "The dictionary term for "Antics" means "doing a playful trick or a prank. Even a caper. Hanky-panky if you will." These send a new signal to teams that we'll face next year. For me personally, I liked it because it reminds me of Clint Eastwood's "Dirty Harry" You know, "Okay Jack, think you know our next play? Go ahead make our day." He added. "Then again, there's the double meaning. Giga-Antics are Gigantic."

Most reporters in the room were initially stunned. The room became very quiet. Most either looked dumbfounded or looked around the room to see if they were the only ones who didn't quite get it. Moments later, the room spontaneously exploded with hearty laughter, with cheering and whistling which Mr. Marra seemed pleased with. Reporters commented to separately to themselves how well-versed Marra is with "research-speak."


First NFL Techie Team

"From Shriek to Shrek" - Inside sources reveal that the Marra is retaining a marketing research company that was not identified. Together they come to the same conclusion. "The Shrek Factor" is essentially the problem. It appears that the term "Giants" longer has "the shriek value" it once did, which put other teams on the defense. With Shrek's anticipated stunning success with the soon to be released sequel, Shrek 3, the problem is expected to only be exacerbated.


The findings come from a confidential report, titled, "The Giants Study Group (GSG)." A bi-partisan group of Giant veterans, such as Philip Sims and TK, representing both sides of the ball. In essence, the Offense and Defense agree.

Accompanying Mr. Marra at the press conference, Sims testified that as a CBS Sport commentator, his own experience with the media shows how powerful it is in forming public opinion. He said it's both the combination of large and small media-related factors; the big spectacles as well as the "simple subtle and subliminal" messages that have decayed the team's "tough-guy" look and feel. He referred also that the "brides-maid never a bride" overall team performance has in part contributed to the name change.

"Take the expression "Green behind the ears," said Sims. "It used to mean rookies. Well, Shrek is green behind his ears. He's a giant. See what I mean?" Not everyone understood his meaning. Several moments passed before another reporter asked a question.


TK then added, "Hey, this is not about placing blame on anyone. The past is behind us. Nobody is blaming Mike Meyers for anything. We're big fans." When asked to comment on TK's statement, Mike Meyers' said, "No comment." Ironically, some speculate that the team name change will actually increase the empathy and the "Intent to relate" numbers that Shrek already has among football content viewers. One reporter said, "Why should Myers complain?"


MadAve Hurting & Huddling

1. Advertisers: One major retail department store chain who just bought up 500 stores and went national said, "Shrek proves the point. Advertising no longer works, product placement and content does. They won't admit it but we're hearing that agency media planners and network buyers are now comparing Giants game programming with 8PM family-friendly programming Primetime and Jeopardy instead of Monday Night Football or ESPN. The only factor that is preventing ad funds to be moved out of Giant TV are the Giants tickets buyers get from the team. Besides this, other programs like Grey's Anatomy have a higher "violence factor" than the Giants because its stars use (surgical) knives on people and bust open scalps. The one show with a direct side-by-side connection with televised Giants games is "Lost" the hit ABC series," the person said. Reaction from several agency heads seemed low-key, even depressing. Conversely, generally positive reaction was seen in Hollywood. Lots of high-fives.


2. Fans: Apparently even the Giants jerseys are being tackled. When asked for her reaction, one Soccer Mom said her son and his friends go to game to Heckle players. They've often wear "Got-Jersey? laminated on to their NYer Giants Jerseys. According to the GSG report indicates that the whole Giants Stadium located in East Rutherford, New Jersey and the Jimmy Hoffa thing have resurfaced.


3. Team members: In the locker, several team members let reporters know they were interviewed as part of the study. One team member almost near tears was quoted on strict background, who said, "There's no question that Shrek has changed the imagery of we as "Giants." Shrek's given the term Giant a softer, more "approachable" feeling. We feel it in the stands and on the playing field." After being given a tissue to dry his teary eyes, he said, "Our opponents don't have no fear in their eyes, when they approach the line up scrimmage. They make "kissing noises and say things like "Gimme a hug." Shrek is batting a 1000. We're at 50/50. That's a 950% difference. Need I say more?"


"Giga-Antics are Dynamic" is the title of the talking points handed out at the press conference:
1. GIGs Are Bigger/Faster/Smarter/Better.
2. Gigs "let you pass" all others.
3. Next Gen Appeal like hip, man.
4. "Gigas bite" Overall new stadium chant.
5. "Pop-up blockers" New stadium chant to get fans juiced to psych-out opposing teams to attempt field goals.
6. "Giga-block: The new blog which will allow registered users selected new team content for user generated fan to produce "Crash That Drive imagery. Users must be Giant fans. Registrations will be screened and monitored, based on 37 trivia questions. More coming.

1. Chosen to scare, confuse and make competitors nervous.
2. Dirty Harry possible honorary quarterback. The team is in discussions with Mr. "Eastwood's" people. The connection here is that Gig-Antics are on the east coast and wood means strength.


NFL's Reaction

Comments from the NFL press office were, "The NFL thinks this is cool. Giga-Antics, we dig it. We've always had an open mind when it comes to changing the location of a team and its name along with it. The NYer Giga-Antics is the first NFL team to reference computer technology in its name. Computers are the thing of the future. Next year, the name change will send an "Instant Message" to fans all over the place."

Some worry though that the NFL is actually more concerned with another team name change. In this case, as compared to the new Giga-Antics" the team is actually courting a new softer image to fulfill football fans in of all places, Dallas. The team is telling reporters, "Don't get all huffy and Puffy. We'll share our feelings when we have some more space." An announcement seem eminent Dallas Cowboys any day now.


Dallas Cowboys: No Time Outs Left

Contrary to the new Giga-Antics, the Dallas Cowboys have been doing some soul-searching and focus-grouping for a longtime. Anticipated changes are based on the following the issues based on test results:

Phase 1:

1. Team Located Currently in "Irving" TX: The name Irving is not a very macho name. Not held captive by testosterone. A "home" team advantage. This was considered a good thing. Home is where the heart is; where it's warm and fuzzy.

Phase 2:

2. Cow "boys" It excludes females. It is not inclusive, it is discriminating and is not PC.

3. Therefore, Cow "persons" was put into the 3 test segments modules reflecting various consumer segments, (which as of now have not yet been identified. This did not test well.

4. It appears the "Cow" word followed by the "persons" word unintentionally infers "overweight" individuals. "That person's a cow." was a common phrase that came out of the panel.

Phase 3:

1. "Cow" was replaced then with "Bovine." Initially "Bulls" was considered though it was taken. Then "Steer" was also on the short list, though it rhymed with other words such as deer, gear and beer as well as other words often used in Marine boot camp training.

Phase 4:

1. Management is now considering "The Irving Bovine-persons." Or "The Bovies" for short. Consumers included in the test like this name because it sends a signal that the team is equally attractive to both David Bowie fans as well as Humphrey Bogart fans. In essence it has cross-over potential to "Bowie" and "Bogie" which create "Bovies" as a new brand just in time to appeal to the 21st modern the new increasingly important metrosexuals target audience.


At this time, there is no official news or information from the new Giga-Antics, the NFL or the (not yet officially renamed) Dallas Cowboys.

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